Alternative grief noun: grief intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death. "she was overcome with grief" My name is Liz. I am a 27 year old mental health nurse and in my personal and professional experience, I feel that we do not have to be exposed to a death to feel all the emotions associated with ‘grief’. When a friend, partner or family member dies, grief can be devastating, life changing and in some cases all consuming. Despite this, it is not death I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted to shine a light on other life shattering events that can cause us to grieve. The end of a relationship One of my friends once told me that she cried more over her relationship of 7 years which had broken down than she did when her grandmother died. I could hear the guilt in her voice as she told me, expecting to be judged for such a revelation. So why is it that we feel so guilty for grieving the loss of a relationship? You lose the person that you have unconditionally loved for years and you are expected to carry on as normal, without a card or flower arrangement in sight. Splitting up with a partner can feel like the end of the world. For years you have confided in this one person, so who do I share my successes and my failures with now? Everyone will tell you the cliché’s, ‘hey, there are plenty more fish in the sea’ or ‘you know the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else’. In my experience, there are no right or wrongs after a break up. Do what you think is right for you right now. Find someone new to confide in, whether that is a friend, colleague, family member or support group. So please, when someone approaches you following heartbreak, remember they are grieving. They are grieving the loss of a huge part of their life. They may be feeling denial, sadness, anger or guilt. They are allowed to, let them. The one who is still there, physically One of my clients once told me that he had already grieved his wife 95% when she physically died. She had suffered with vascular dementia for 14 years, 8 of those being in a nursing home. He went to see her every week. The thing that upset him the most was not that she could no longer remember who he was but that she had no memories left. She no longer remembered their wedding day or the birth of their children, arguably the best days of her life. He had already lost his wife before she died. It is an interesting concept that someone can be physically stood in front of us however they are no longer with us in another sense. There is no one way to cope with a family member having a diagnosis of dementia. Some will go to visit every day and others will decide to stop going altogether. There is no right or wrong. Think what your family member would want, what would they have said to you and how would they want to be remembered. There are amazing support groups for family members and carers for those with a dementia diagnosis. The Alzheimer’s Society can provide on-going support. You do not have to grieve alone. The loss of self, you are scrolling through Instagram and it is late December. Everyone is attending Christmas parties, sipping mulled wine and smiling from ear to ear. So why aren’t you as happy as them? Throughout our life we will all lose ourselves at some point, something that is not reflected in the nice shiny happy pictures on social media. It is ok not to be ok. You may have lost your sense of purpose, motivation and identity throughout the year for a whole host of reasons. The feeling of losing who you are may be the one that hits the hardest. Feeling uncomfortable in your own skin is something I find hard to put into words because although it may be all mental, it feels so physical. As a society we are getting better at talking about our mental health but there are still so many barriers to break down. We need to let people know that they are not alone and that they can find themselves again. So please, if you feel that you have lost yourself and your purpose this Christmas, go talk to someone. Whether it is your GP, an online support group, your university counsellor or a mental health charity, someone is there and they care. Going into the New Year not feeling happy is not in any way reflection of how the year ahead will progress. The sun will come up, the seasons will change.