3 months after my third child was born I developed post-partum depression. At first, I did not know what was wrong with me. I suddenly felt so different and definitely not normal. It was such a new, abysmal feeling that I thought there must be something physically or physiologically wrong with me. I talked with my OB-GYN and she ordered several blood tests. They all came back in normal range, so I had to accept that this feeling was psychological - which I did not want to do because just the idea of postpartum depression did not fit with who I felt I was (my only understanding of clinical postpartum depression was hearing about mothers who had committed murder, etc). I was feeling no energy, a lack of hope and bizarre fears of elderly people and strangers. I began to obsess on thoughts: thoughts of how nature works down to the tiniest atoms. I obsessed on the blackness after death. I imagined horrific things happening to my family. I regularly felt no hope- just blackness, and fear. Time felt different, too -- both faster and slower than I had ever experienced. I was scared to be alone. I was scared to go out. I was extremely worried about my children. I remember wishing to feel normal again - to just worry about insignificant things again. I started to see a therapist who diagnosed me with postpartum depression. She suggested medication, but it scared me (of course it did - because everything was scary to me). As I talked with her and shared my 'shameful', erratic thoughts I began to feel better. My husband also asked me to share "what I was squirreling on" (ruminating over) and even though I knew my thoughts were silly, I shared them. I began to share my experiences with friends and family. I felt like I couldn't possibly hide that I was miserable, so I prefaced most conversations with "I am kinda struggling". There were many times when people did not know what to say because most of us are not used to honest answers to "how are you doing?". Someone mentioned to me that it can take a while to get over depression - this was very helpful to me as it gave me more patience to ride it out. I developed an exercise routine that included a lot of cardiovascular routines....this helped my outlook tremendously (probably what meds would have done). Sharing my thoughts (no matter how bizarre or horrific), working out, and time were what helped me heal and work through it. I began to feel "normal" again and to worry about insignificant things again - my measure for normalcy. That was 18 years ago, and since then I have revisited similarly feeling episodes. There are still times where I feel the blackness sitting there...but I know I need to share, work out or be patient because I know I will feel better again. I feel lucky to have had these experiences as I believe we can never get too far away appreciating a 'good' mental state. That state is vulnerable and fragile - and it is to be respected.