Four years ago, there was a boy, a friend, companion, confidant, but also a destroyer of morals. Internally he would tear me apart, piece by piece with the sheer power of his words. I've never increased the tone of my voice, never had an altercation with a friend or family member but with him I've yelled and shed tears like I'd never wish on my worst enemy. I've felt feelings that worsened my ability to love others and myself. It was a toxic friendship, one that was fueled with hurtful words and still has a disgusting power over me. Somehow, I was able to leave it all behind and now it's four years later. I live a good life with a great support system doing what I love. My ability to love myself has still not reached where it should, but I'm trying everyday. Things don't change within a day. I still miss my friend at times, notwithstanding the words and it amazes me how even with no communication, he still has the ability to tear me to shreds at any given moment with nothing but his virtual actions alone. Today in particular, he has done the same — and it has diminished my ability to be human; but I am pushing through and trying to be the best I can for myself. It still makes me wonder, even with all the good and great things in my life, how long will it be till the bad moments stop having all the power? How long will it be till I'm able to love myself and get the confidence I deserve to have? How long will it be till I'm able to love another?