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The bathtub was full of water. Three quick breaths and I slipped under. I pushed my body up, took a long breath in, and wept. Several weeks earlier my nervous system was triggered and I had a panic attack. It felt like two fists were squeezing the air out of my lungs. I fled. But the panic and anxiety stayed. Depression found me. My interests and passions vanished. Connections with people I cared about and loved disappeared. Anguish and hopelessness took up residence in my mind. I crawled out of the bathtub and fell into bed. A powerful urge I'd never felt appeared inside of me. I gasped for air. My mind raced fast. It was an urge to kill myself. Deep in my prefrontal cortex was a tiny neon sign blinking HELP. I called my brother. Texted friends and neighbors. Emailed my therapist. The bed shook as I tried to contain the suicidal urge. Within an hour my neighbors brought me food, my therapist called to make sure I was safe, and my brother didn’t leave my side that night. I was in the ER by the next morning. Chaos surrounded me in the hallway where I laid in bed unmedicated, wearing nothing more than a hospital gown. Nurses and doctors asked, "What was your plan?" With tears streaming down my cheeks I said, "I was going to kill myself by drowning in the ocean." Hours later I was put on a 5150 hold. The cops interviewed me. An ambulance took me to another hospital with a psychiatric ward. For two weeks I ate food that tasted like rubber and slept in a bed that felt like cardboard. My blood was drawn each day. Several interviews later, I was told what I was up against: major depressive disorder, suicidal ideation, panic disorder, PTSD, trauma. It was a perfect storm. After my discharge, I took time off from work to begin an intensive treatment program. It's been emotionally and physically exhausting. As my brain rewires and I create new patterns of thinking and behavior, I'll think about my loving family, thoughtful friends, kind neighbors, caring boss and co-workers, magical treatment therapists, brave therapy group, nurturing social worker, honest psychiatrist, and long-time psychotherapist who'll catch me when I fall and continue to help me heal. https://instagram.com/p/BD2PvHSMvn6/