I've been struggling with bipolar disorder for years and I haven't found much that relieves the sadness or the extreme mania. It's really hard to deal with most days. Some days I feel like no one gets what it's like to be chronically sick in a way no one can see. I've spent weeks in psych rehabilitation and other care centers, but they didn't do much. The lows are so low I feel like I cant breathe and everything just isn't worth this constant pain. The highs everyone assumes are pleasant, but not for everyone. I have about two weeks of little to no sleep, paranoia, and the feeling of being electrocuted by the amount of energy in myself. I'm not sure how everyone else feels, but on the daily I struggle really hard to connect with other because horrible thoughts pop in my head and make it impossible to concentrate. I've been trying all sorts of treatments from medicine, ketamine, TMS, and all the typical "Well have you tried..?" Being scared of myself is something I hope will fade with time and hard work, but I'm not me when I'm depressed or manic. I don't know those people. My last attempt was over Christmas and I just couldn't take it anymore. My mom would be so so sad and that's my entire reason I can't go. She's gone through hell and back trying to help me and does it with a smile. I don't deserve her but I'm so grateful for her. I'm growing and learning so much to better myself but nothing takes the sadness away. Do to the severity of my symptoms my ability to work isn't great which causes a lot of financial and family struggles. I want to be better and be able to wake up and work a normal full time job and go to school and all of the things I wanted to do, but it doesn't come so easy and the work I'm doing takes more than one meeting to fix. Good luck out there my dudes. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.