Every day is different. There are days I wake up hopeful and excited about life. I'm ready to dive in, create a business that serves others and live a fulfilling life. I feel it in my bones this will become my reality. Then it hits. The dark cloud swallows me whole and every second that passes by feels like hours. I can't escape the thoughts and feelings of simply not wanting to be here anyone. I'm exhausted and fearful. I want to be normal. When I was 12 was the first time I experienced these thoughts. I was caring for my mother and dealing with a brother, who both had bipolar. This sense of "life is hard" just felt so heavy. I often wonder, if I didn't grow up in a family with mental illness, maybe I would be ok. From the outside, its nearly impossible to see the internal battle I have every single day. To be strong for myself and for my family. I lost my brother to suicide a few years back and I wonder if consistent productive life is indeed possible for me. Yesterday felt possible. Today doesn't.