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I feel helpless. I don't know what's real anymore. I can't feel myself. I want to feel my spirit, i want to be rooted in myself. I want to look inward. I want to be more kind. I want to meditate again and stop having angry thoughts or thoughts about taking my life. I tried it 5x but i couldn't go through with it because i thought of the pain my mother would have to endure and so i am forced to fight.