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i was beaten up as a child when mu father was angry - for no reason. i cried for help for my mother who looked away. my mom needed me to care for her emotionally. all that mattered was that i seemed to be normal. when i came to kindergarden i was sexually abused once. from 2nd grade things improved and i got more stable. when i turned into teenager my father got more angry and beaten me up worse - threatening to kill me and destroying my stuff. at school i was raped again. after that everything seemed unreal for years. i changed school and improved. my parents sent me to a therapist, but i did not trust him, which was good, since he started meeting me after i turned 18. after a while i had my first boyfriend who was sexist and at first emotionally, later on physically violent and i developed severe depression. for years i feld insecure and as if everything was lost, only living on to struggle. some therapists were ok, others not. often they were superficial, thought my dad had wanted me to excel at school whereas i was set under pressure from my mom to achieve less ,to diminish my abilities. she wanted me to be less active always and drink more alcohol because she thought, that's how students have to be. no one believed me this story. another therapist wanted to date me again but nothing happened because i really did not like him. i had a female therapist who denied that my ex boyfriend had hit me or treated badly. she thought it was funny when being urged to have sex, being belittled, and thought it was unappropiate for women to be able to handle a drilling machine. she denied that i was having concentration difficultied and shouted at me when i said so. she always claimed it was my wrond perceiving of everything, but later on i had myself tested - and had prove that i had concentration problems (she turned around 180 degrees of course). i tried to address anxiety when meeting guys and she said it would all disappear once depression was over and she promised i would never be treated baldy again because i was suffering but denied me talking about the abuse from my ex. no one ever set me under su much pressure as she did. she claimed to know my feelings better than me and belittled me and it was as if i was not there, she was talking all the time. i think, she was unable to cope with her own struggles. when i quit she got mad, telling me it was not right, that therapy was not for free everywhere and that i should behave like that. whenever i recieved a good mark she reacted shocked and claimed i was faulty having too high standards which i should lower and whenever i was dating she disliked it - only not when he was an alcoholic, that seemed to be ok for her. so she was really destructive. i turned suicidal during that therapy and have relationship problems with almost all people since then - before i got along with friend and acquaintances, now i am unable to keep anxiety and feeling helpless away. i got better therapists later on but i am having enourmous problems with trusting them. i cannot have a partner - i cannot even sleep when another male is in the same room as me and i cannot study because i don't feel allowed to excel, to be intelligent or to be successful anywhere. i don't feel allowed to be creative because my therapist had critizised me for every wish to create and any fun i experienced there. i was never being supported. talking about bad therapists is hardest, many other therapists are certain from the beginning that it is my fault and that a colleage never does any harm. (it really was worded like that once). i cannot cope with their lies anymore. i was better after like five years of struggle but then, at a clinic (i was in wards like 12 times after that therapist), had someone who wanted to set me under pressure, shouting at me like she did, wanted to force me to talk with her and did not care for me at all but behaved extremely narcistic. again, i lost my feeling for myself and any security and felt overwhelmed. i won't recover anymore now and i feel completely unable to trust again. i don't think there is a point in caring for other people anymore. all i should do is turn into some asshole like those physicians and exploit others, because this is how people are supposed to be.