My name is Selena Smith. I was diagnosed with multiple BPD, anxiety disorders, depression (BP manic depression) a few months back. I always felt off and I knew I wasn't "feeling" ok ever. However, I feel like I'm deteriorating. Slowly. My mind. Physically andemotionally. I also feel like I'm getting stronger,too. It's a constant battle and a constant fear, struggle, hurt, worry, and crisis. I never know if I'm going to be ok. But I will be ok. It's just hard to know what's going to happen next. I have frequent suicide thoughts. I feel everything you can name. But I'm also determined. I dont know which one is NOT ok to feel. I feel guilty if I can't or I don't. My journey right now is homelessness. I am currently homeless, I lost my home 2 months after my 17th birthday. I had to learn to survive outside my home. I had to learn to use my basic skills outside and move around with them. I am currently staying in a hotel with my father, he is in the hospital right now, he should be home in the next few days.. I watched my mother die and now I feel like I'm watching my father die. In this, we lived out of our vehicle. I had to bathe behind a grocery store. Right now in California, the temperature is dropping. I usually bathed at night so nobody would see me, as it is freezing. We ate out of cans with our hands. We went to the bathroom behind dumpsters if a fast food place wasn't open during the night mostly. We changed wherever we could, car, behind a building, etc. When we would run out of what money we had, we had to dig through trash cans or ask for money and food from strangers in a parking lot. The list can go on, it kind of hurts and triggers a spark. However, I am still alive, I am breathing, I am here today. I am still enduring this, but I'm in a bed right now telling you this. I'm laying down with my dog next to me- I'm okay. I did it. I am doing it. I just have to see what happens from here on out. But I have hope. And you are also my hope. I'm focusing a lot more on my mentality right now and myself. I am growing and learning through it all, through all the hardships. Through the pain. I am strong. And I am here, I am anywhere, I can share a couple of stories and my journey. I would cry every night wondering "what's going to happen to me, where am I going to go after this, I'm never going to see my future or my kids. I want to be dead. Everything would be better off if I weren't here because I wouldn't even know. I can't take this anymore, I can't do it. This is too much. When is this going to stop. I'm not okay. I dont feel okay. Please, help me. I don't want to be here" I want to be here and i am. I want to share myself with everyone, I want to get places, I want to start now. Here is my voice. I created an instagram account that focuses on mental health, we can talk one on one, I am always open as so are my direct messages. To share your voice. To give to you. To be an advocate to hundreds of others who endure different things, while working on myself and Knowing "you are giving, you are doing for someone else and it makes you THAT much stronger". I also piece together the small moments I've had (not only with the situation) but show you the raw reality of what had and what Is going on. Not just with my mind, but with me as well. Thank you for sitting here with me, thank you for sharing your voice. I hope to meet you. I love you. Instagram : @mentaliena